Life

This post is not amusing or clever. Really it's a look into my weird mind. Nothing about the kids or any fun events, so you may want to skip it. Just a warning. About a year ago I because severely depressed. By this I mean I voluntarily went to the doctor and asked for a prescription. I hate the doctor and I hate taking medication. But, things were not well inside of my head. It was a very dark place. That prescription ran out about 3 weeks ago. I have not gone to the doctor to get it refilled. I am trying to monitor myself and see how I can fix thing naturally before resorting to medication. First, it's not really working because I am having a hard time doing what I need to do. My brain is become darker and darker every day. Also I am noticing that my temper is flaring up. I used to have a terrible temper, I wanted to fight with people. Doing judo and growing up has helped me a lot in this area, but I find I am slipping. I yell at drivers who are being dumb, but are of no threat to my vehicle, I snap at my children and husband. I mentally rip myself apart throughout the day. This all equals not good. So, just going off medication is not working. I have trying to put some things is place. They are writing in a journal. I try to write a blessing journal and an activity journal. I try to focus on the good things that happen that day, especially what fun things my kids say and do. I try to write down what I did during the day. I want my kids to know I canned for 5 hours at a time or that I worked in the garden for hours. I want them to know I work hard as a mother. I also try to note my emotional state and really define it. That is harder than one thinks. I won't allow myself to just say that I am sad. I have to state what is making me sad and why it could trigger those emotions. I have to play counselor with my thoughts and sometimes it is a real pain. I also pray more. I try to tell Heavenly Father what is going on ans I beg for help to be a better wife and mother. My family does not deserve to be living with a snarly monster. I am trying to exercise more. I want the happy endorphins that exercise releases into the brain. In doing this I realize how far out of shape I am. I used to love the feel of using my muscles. No matter how long I would go between workouts, exercising was fun. Now it is just plain hard work. I feel good that i do it, but I don't enjoy it in it's self. I am contemplating finding a martial art that I can do, hopefully judo to help with my anger and work out. I have also contemplated dance or yoga. Those things can be fun and maybe I can reverse my mind set. I am making myself go to bed by 10. Thanks to all of those that made good suggestions on that post. I woke up early today. I think all of these things will help. If not, I will go back to the doctor, but I am trying other alternatives first. Wish me luck.