I bought my garden plants and seeds yesterday. I am excited to set out and start planting. I relize that I have a lot of work to do ahead of me and I am thrilled. It should be a strong testimony as to my love to the girls at my church last night because I went and hung out with them last night after I bought the plants. I am going to try something different with teh garden area. (Don't worry Steve and Janis). I am going to divied the area up with stakes and sqaures so that I can more auratly adjust for walking areas. I am excited. I want to see how it turns out. I'll let you know.
I remember when Chad and I were dating I had googly eye expectations. The silly romantic notion that we would be able to spend more time together and life would be perfect. Well, as you know, that's not exactly how it worked out. I have learned to appreciate the little things. One of my favorite things is called "daddy diverson". I never relized that once I became a mother I would never be able to take a bath or go to the bathroom by myself. It gets old after awhile. So once in a while I will tell my girls, "Hey your dad has a surprise for you!' And off they run to dad while I go into the bathroom and lock the door for a long buble bath without little kids. It's quite nice. Chad takes it all in stride and will put a movie on for teh girls or play a game for them. See, that's real love. It's not about spending time with one anther, it's about surviving this thing called life and helping eachother out.
So, my father in law has a very green thumb. He keeps his lawn in golf course green condition. I assumed it was a secret passed down from father to son for many generations. Alas, Chad did not know the secret. Then we learned the secret of fertilizer. We had always put fertilizer on our lawn but I learned that you mix it with some other stuff too and presto, we have a golf course. While I have been whining and complaining about the rain I did notice that our lawn looks pretty darn awesome. It is lush and green. In fact we might be able to play golf once the rain stops. And for some odd reason that made me laugh this morning.
What on earth is my title talking about? Well really it's just the randomness of thoughts going through my head. I realized last night that I am suffering from an acute bout of depression. I realized this when I managed to watch the entire first season of "Dr. Quinn: Medicine Woman". Yep, i borrowed it from the library and instead of being a productive human I stayed in bed and allowed the girls to have the run of the house. I was a bit surprised that I finally realized that I was depressed because spring is a great season for me. I love seeing the world wake from the long sleep of winter. Then, I remembered that it snowed yesterday, the garden is still not in and my grass is 6 inches high. Oh yea, my spring hasn't quite sprung yet. However, my weeds are doing nice, thank you for asking! As watched Dr. Quinn I realized that they don't make cheesy family series like they used to. Maybe that is why I am drawn to teh BBC. I have found some great shows on there. Really I love Britsh humor and they have the cutest saying. Some time in a conversation I really want to say cheer-o, chap, boy-o, or snap. They make me smile. I am opposed to having cable because i know that I would sit in front of the tv all day, so instead I have net flicks which allows me to sit in front of the computer all day, which must be better, right? I like to watch random stuff as Chad does his homework. I have discovered some important things about myself, first of all, I like tv shows that have smart people in them. I love the series Bones because the leading lady is really smart. Someday I want to sound as smart as she is. Next, I am a romantic sap. this newes distresses me because I thought I had become a logic girl, but alas, I was bugged when the series drags out the involvement of the two main characters. Honestly, if two characters like each other and are best friends for 5 years (5 seasons) then they should just get together. i think the series could be just as strong with them as a couple. Geesh, who likes someone for 5 years and never expresses it accept through puppy dog eyes. Last, I can easily get sucked into a tv show and become obsessed. Chad says I do this with most things. If I fins a book series I like i tend to read all of it within a week. Another strike against tv. I now have to wait until September to see what happens. Sigh, I don't like movies because the story line is too short and i get angry with tv series because they take too long and I'm not a patent person. Instead of tv I should go outside, oh wait, its snowing that's why I'm in front of the tv crying because Sully finally kissed Dr. Mike on her birthday. Oh spring, so come soon before I completly lose my mind. I think it's time to close the dark and odd place that is my mind and prepare for the week.
I have been a bit out of sorts lately. I am an outside type person. I adore gardening and camping. I enjoy reading a book outside and soaking up the vitamin D. I have been blessed with skin that rarely sun burns, so there is no reason to be inside. Yet, for many months that is where I have been. I normally have a garden planted by mother's day, but this year is testing my patients. I have the ground tilled, but little else in the garden spot. I need to trim back the raspberries, and plant, but alas it is not so. The weather was nice last weekend, but we were out of town, so we didn't plant. I guess in some ways we are blessed because the weather channel says it will still be freezing hard at night this weekend. I also hate when I plant a garden only to have it freeze to death (literally). So, I am waiting. I am waiting for my spring to come, to plant a garden and play in the dirt. I hike, camp, and fish while enjoying the sunshine. I need it to be sunny to lift the clouds that hang over my heart. If it is going to be gloomy and stormy then the least it could do is have an awesome thunder and lighting show to make me feel better, but again, nothing but grey drizzle.
Okay, so maybe posting so early causes way too much thinking. Today I was pondering trials and their effects on people. Everyone has problems. I think we forget that sometimes. We look at others and we don't know what they are going through or what mnade them who they are. Obviously there are many ways this trian of thought could go, but I was more or less thinking about my reactions as a parent. Last night McKayla was trying to make a serect fort with Ariana. Somehow McKayla ended up trapping Ariana in the dark with blanets all around her. I was in the room, but I freaked out a little. I knew that Ariana was in no danger and I also knew the McKayla was not being mean, but I was ticked. I tried to explain to McKayla what she had done and why I was upset. Then I had to stop and think about why did I react that way. I relized that I am very much afraid of the dark. I watched Nightmare on Elm Street way too much and way too early in my childhood and Freddy became my personal boogy man. In fact, I hate the dark and that studpid show is the main reason I was so against basements for a long time. It is a silly childhood fear that obviously has effected my pyscological thinking as an adult. McKayla was not trying to scare Ariana, but I imdiatly thought she was. After I got mad, I calmed down and relized that McKayla was being a good big sister and was building a secret fort with Ariana. they wanted to make a place that was secret and fun. Thankfully, we did that after I clamed down. I explained that a secret fort needs light, but it can be way cool. I ended up moving the couch and putting the little game table beside it and making a cool fort. I also ended up feeling like a mega idiot as I relized how much I over reacted to Ariana being scared. I relize that I want to protect my kids so much. I know that life is hard, I know that there will be trials for my kids, but I don't them to be afraid. I want them to grow and be strong, but never to fear. It's a good thing Chad is getting a his masters in social work and I plan on counceling women and girls once I recieve my masters, maybe between the two of us i won't be so crazy. The human mind is interesting and scary. I relize how friagil and how much we adapt and change to overcome fears. Good thing my husband gave me a hug last night and told me that he has big muscels and he would beat up any boogy men that tried to get me :) This is the same thing he tells McKayla who is 5.
Yes, I am back. Don't be too shocked. I don't have any pictures, but I am feeling much better. Really you don't want pictures. My house is a little ( okay, a lot) scary. I am very discouraged at the snow outside, but other than that, I am up and going this morning. So, I was reading a commentary on the Old Testament this morning for my personal religious study. There are some very disturbing stories in the Old Testament and really, it's not my favorite book to study as a whole. I do enjoy certain parts of the work, but reading from beginning to end is difficult for me. Anyway, I read a statement that was: "Trusting in God is the foundation for wisdom." Now, I pondered this statement for quite awhile. Yes, I realize the can of worms that I opened upon myself. I realize the statements and arguments that can be thrown at me for this statement. Thus, I am presenting this blog post not as argument, but rather as a testimony of what this means to me. Frankly, mean, rude, derogatory, and any other statements won't affect my feelings on this. I am very religious. I feel that my religion is a large part of my life. However, I feel (hope & pray) that I am tolerant of others and their personal beliefs. I am the only person in my family that is LDS. I'm more than okay with this. I have wonderful brothers and sisters-in-law that I wouldn't trade for the world. My family may not understand me, but they love me and accept me and I them. Not only family, but I have many friends as well that believe differently and I love them no less than those friends that are of my same religiousbeliefs. So, that being said, this post is not for arguments sake. Rather it is me expressing how I find this statement to be true for me. I won't argue against other's point of views. Really, this is just a personal thought. I am grateful for my religion because I feel it does give me wisdom. I realize that some may feel that those who follow any organized religion are blind and simply do not question. I don't believe that this is the case for me personally. I have no problems with the restrictions that my religion puts me because I can honestly see how they benefit me. Now before anyone sends a sheep baa in my direction let me explain. I follow no commandment out of fear, obligation, have to's, or worry. Rather I do it out of love. I have been asked to abstain from certain items, and I'm okay with that because they are harmful for the body. I am asked to give service and I can see how when I do serve those around me, I am the one that is changed. Often I have struggles, some are bigger than average and others are smaller and when I choose to have faith, then I allow myself to seek wisdom. When I can release control and take a deep breath, often I am more able to see solutions. often I am able to see the most important piece of wisdom for God. People were/are given agency. They have the right to choose. People are also given laws to protect the overall population. For the most part, people are given the right to feel, choose, and act with little intervention. Obviously, there is a point in which the laws of the land step in, but that point is allows for a lot of agency. We clamor for our freedoms and rights, and yet we cast the responsibilities of our actions on others. I can be as simple as "he made me angry." No one makes us hit, lie or lash out (usually excluding the mob). Normally, we choose how to react to others. We choose to become angry, we choose to react or act. The greatest thing that I need is faith. Faith that I am a better person. Faith that I can choose to act or react. But mostly, faith that others have their agency to gain wisdom on their own and in their own way. Now, this is not easy when someone wrongs us, uses us, or hurts us. In fact, nothing gets my temper up than someone hurting my loved ones. Yet, I have faith. Faith that justice will be served, faith that mercy will be given, faith that I can be the person that I long to be, and faith that I am a good person in the process. I am who I am because of the freedom to choose. I choose to follow God and Christ. I choose to be a Christan because for me, this path has brought me peace, knowledge and freedom. More so than any other path I have chosen. Okay, I will end the ramblings now. Thanks for indulging me. I hope you all have a great day!
This blog is about life. I think my life is very simple. I like it that way. I do similar things on a daily basis, yet my kids always like to throw in a few suprises. This blog is a small glimps into my world.