Crazy Weather

I have been a bit out of sorts lately. I am an outside type person. I adore gardening and camping. I enjoy reading a book outside and soaking up the vitamin D. I have been blessed with skin that rarely sun burns, so there is no reason to be inside. Yet, for many months that is where I have been. I normally have a garden planted by mother's day, but this year is testing my patients. I have the ground tilled, but little else in the garden spot. I need to trim back the raspberries, and plant, but alas it is not so. The weather was nice last weekend, but we were out of town, so we didn't plant. I guess in some ways we are blessed because the weather channel says it will still be freezing hard at night this weekend. I also hate when I plant a garden only to have it freeze to death (literally). So, I am waiting. I am waiting for my spring to come, to plant a garden and play in the dirt. I hike, camp, and fish while enjoying the sunshine. I need it to be sunny to lift the clouds that hang over my heart. If it is going to be gloomy and stormy then the least it could do is have an awesome thunder and lighting show to make me feel better, but again, nothing but grey drizzle.

The Zoo

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SLC May 2010

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More Deep Thoughts

Okay, so maybe posting so early causes way too much thinking. Today I was pondering trials and their effects on people. Everyone has problems. I think we forget that sometimes. We look at others and we don't know what they are going through or what mnade them who they are. Obviously there are many ways this trian of thought could go, but I was more or less thinking about my reactions as a parent. Last night McKayla was trying to make a serect fort with Ariana. Somehow McKayla ended up trapping Ariana in the dark with blanets all around her. I was in the room, but I freaked out a little. I knew that Ariana was in no danger and I also knew the McKayla was not being mean, but I was ticked. I tried to explain to McKayla what she had done and why I was upset. Then I had to stop and think about why did I react that way. I relized that I am very much afraid of the dark. I watched Nightmare on Elm Street way too much and way too early in my childhood and Freddy became my personal boogy man. In fact, I hate the dark and that studpid show is the main reason I was so against basements for a long time. It is a silly childhood fear that obviously has effected my pyscological thinking as an adult. McKayla was not trying to scare Ariana, but I imdiatly thought she was. After I got mad, I calmed down and relized that McKayla was being a good big sister and was building a secret fort with Ariana. they wanted to make a place that was secret and fun. Thankfully, we did that after I clamed down. I explained that a secret fort needs light, but it can be way cool. I ended up moving the couch and putting the little game table beside it and making a cool fort. I also ended up feeling like a mega idiot as I relized how much I over reacted to Ariana being scared. I relize that I want to protect my kids so much. I know that life is hard, I know that there will be trials for my kids, but I don't them to be afraid. I want them to grow and be strong, but never to fear. It's a good thing Chad is getting a his masters in social work and I plan on counceling women and girls once I recieve my masters, maybe between the two of us i won't be so crazy. The human mind is interesting and scary. I relize how friagil and how much we adapt and change to overcome fears. Good thing my husband gave me a hug last night and told me that he has big muscels and he would beat up any boogy men that tried to get me :) This is the same thing he tells McKayla who is 5.

Trusting God

Yes, I am back. Don't be too shocked. I don't have any pictures, but I am feeling much better. Really you don't want pictures. My house is a little ( okay, a lot) scary. I am very discouraged at the snow outside, but other than that, I am up and going this morning. So, I was reading a commentary on the Old Testament this morning for my personal religious study. There are some very disturbing stories in the Old Testament and really, it's not my favorite book to study as a whole. I do enjoy certain parts of the work, but reading from beginning to end is difficult for me. Anyway, I read a statement that was: "Trusting in God is the foundation for wisdom." Now, I pondered this statement for quite awhile. Yes, I realize the can of worms that I opened upon myself. I realize the statements and arguments that can be thrown at me for this statement. Thus, I am presenting this blog post not as argument, but rather as a testimony of what this means to me. Frankly, mean, rude, derogatory, and any other statements won't affect my feelings on this. I am very religious. I feel that my religion is a large part of my life. However, I feel (hope & pray) that I am tolerant of others and their personal beliefs. I am the only person in my family that is LDS. I'm more than okay with this. I have wonderful brothers and sisters-in-law that I wouldn't trade for the world. My family may not understand me, but they love me and accept me and I them. Not only family, but I have many friends as well that believe differently and I love them no less than those friends that are of my same religious beliefs. So, that being said, this post is not for arguments sake. Rather it is me expressing how I find this statement to be true for me. I won't argue against other's point of views. Really, this is just a personal thought. I am grateful for my religion because I feel it does give me wisdom. I realize that some may feel that those who follow any organized religion are blind and simply do not question. I don't believe that this is the case for me personally. I have no problems with the restrictions that my religion puts me because I can honestly see how they benefit me. Now before anyone sends a sheep baa in my direction let me explain. I follow no commandment out of fear, obligation, have to's, or worry. Rather I do it out of love. I have been asked to abstain from certain items, and I'm okay with that because they are harmful for the body. I am asked to give service and I can see how when I do serve those around me, I am the one that is changed. Often I have struggles, some are bigger than average and others are smaller and when I choose to have faith, then I allow myself to seek wisdom. When I can release control and take a deep breath, often I am more able to see solutions. often I am able to see the most important piece of wisdom for God. People were/are given agency. They have the right to choose. People are also given laws to protect the overall population. For the most part, people are given the right to feel, choose, and act with little intervention. Obviously, there is a point in which the laws of the land step in, but that point is allows for a lot of agency. We clamor for our freedoms and rights, and yet we cast the responsibilities of our actions on others. I can be as simple as "he made me angry." No one makes us hit, lie or lash out (usually excluding the mob). Normally, we choose how to react to others. We choose to become angry, we choose to react or act. The greatest thing that I need is faith. Faith that I am a better person. Faith that I can choose to act or react. But mostly, faith that others have their agency to gain wisdom on their own and in their own way. Now, this is not easy when someone wrongs us, uses us, or hurts us. In fact, nothing gets my temper up than someone hurting my loved ones. Yet, I have faith. Faith that justice will be served, faith that mercy will be given, faith that I can be the person that I long to be, and faith that I am a good person in the process. I am who I am because of the freedom to choose. I choose to follow God and Christ. I choose to be a Christan because for me, this path has brought me peace, knowledge and freedom. More so than any other path I have chosen. Okay, I will end the ramblings now. Thanks for indulging me. I hope you all have a great day!

Mornings

Some day I feel like this too!

Ideas

I always have great ideas, plans, or thoughts. Really, they seem so easy and great in my head. I have learned that nothing is as easy, cheap, or simple as my visions make them to be. For example the year of the bed swap. That would be this year. Ages ago my in-laws gave us a head board and foot board that they had and for some odd reason the mattress we had for it was too long by about 1.5 inches. It took us until this spring to finally fix that problem. We had to do because we were using the daybed that I had growing up as our guest bed. So, I decided that I would finally get someone to weld 1.5 inches to the metal bars on the bed to make it longer. Then I put that head board in our room. I didn't paint it or change it because I haven't figured out what I want our room to look like yet. Then I moved our frame downstairs to the guest room. Our guest are probable ecstatic to not have to sleep on the day bed and trundle. Then I spent about 30 hours (seriously) sanding and paint the daybed white and I was able to put it in McKayla's room. then I took her toddler bed and I put it in Ariana's room. Last, i took Ariana's crib out and put in it a trailer full of baby stuff that I need to take out to my parents house. This all seemed like an easy idea in my head, but now that I ma finally finished, I am exhausted. I am finished with grand ideas for while. I checked out four books from the library last Wednesday and I have only completed one, which tells you how much time and effort this all took. I am ready for a little relaxation. I want to lay down in my swing outside and read under it's shade. Too bad rain is in the forecast for the next week. Sigh, soon my books and I will have a serious date outside.